Late to the Party: An ode to Dion Phaneuf

In 2003, Darryl Sutter took the floor

"The Flames select Dion Phaneuf," he announced to a roar

Your ticket to the big league was instantly booked

And from the beginning, we were all hooked

"He's the next Chris Pronger," they whispered, "Scott Stevens, too"

Little did we know, it was too good to be true

After a 20-goal season, most fans were in cahoots

But three years after that, you got too big for your boots

You blew off Team Canada at the Worlds that spring

Then we saw you in Hawaii, having a fling

You started hanging around with some Hollywood bimbo

And your fan-favourite status was now in limbo

Then it came time for a new deal

At 6.5 million? Come on, get real!

We grimmaced and groaned as Sutter worked his magic

The 2008/09 season would prove to be quite tragic

You were injured throughout it, but played through the pain

Our patience with you was beginning to wane

As injuries mounted and cap troubles grew graver

You began to fall out of favour

They shouted: "You're lazy, you're stupid, you look like a troll!"

And your shot, well it rarely ever hit the goal

Darryl hired his brother, your coach as a kid

In hopes that he could stop your skid

As the season went on, you didn't progress

Then the team started losing, and it was a mess

Then came the rumours; Oh, how they flew!

He fights with his coaches, his teammates too!

The fans they were vicious, they booed and they jeered

And you wanted out, or so it appeared

So Sutter dialed up his old friend Burkie

And your future as a Flame was looking quite murky

On a cold Sunday morning, he pulled the trigger

And shipped you away to Toronto with vigour

Now you're a Leaf, I hope you're happy

I'll try to keep this short, and not too sappy

Good luck in Toronto, you'll be a star

Word is they have a good karaoke bar

The media is tough and the fans can be mean

But score lots of goals and they'll treat you like a Queen

Just don't pull a Brian McCabe

Or they'll run you out of town, you and your babe.

So long, Double Dion.

An epic clusterfuck

A nine to one loss to the San Jose Sharks. A five-game losing streak. What now?

The motherfucking Blackhawks, that's what.

I don't know how to respond to this; really, it's surreal to me that a team, only four points out of first place in its division, could play so poorly against a team that they are supposed to be competing with for one of the top spots in the Western conference. How a team, mere pennies away from the cap ceiling and stacked to the gills with supposed top-tier talent, can concede nine goals in a game, allowing fourty-six shots on goal, while answering with only one? How any group of NHL-calibre players can finish a single game with a combined rating of -18?

After losing a close one last night in Anaheim, not one single player on this team showed up focused and ready to play. It showed, as the Sharks exploited the Flames' barely-there defence and went all Harlem Globetrotters on their asses within minutes of the opening faceoff. This seems to be an ongoing problem with this team, no matter the coach, no matter the assortment of players. I'm not going to make accusations of character flaws, complacency, lack of commitment to winning, or off-ice distractions. All of those things are certainly possible, but petty nonetheless.

Brent Sutter offered up the same old diatribe as he does after each and every unflattering loss; they're embarrassed, he's speechless, there are "issues" that need to be resolved. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if these "issues" haven't been resolved by the 50-game mark, they're not damn well getting resolved. And that's not Brent's fault; regardless of the "systems" he is preaching, these players know what they have to do, how they have to play, not only to be successful, but to win on a consistent basis. These guys are NHL players. They know what it takes to win, at any level. The problem is, they're not willing to do it nearly often enough.

The Flames have been "embarrassed" far too often for a team contending for a division title and a playoff spot, in my opinion. They blew a five to nothing lead to Blackhawks in October. Lost seven to one on home ice to the very same team in November. Turned in a listless effort at home in a five to one loss to the Canucks just last month. Hell, I found getting shutout one to nothing at home against the Predators embarrassing. This is beyond embarrassment; this is an epic clusterfuck.

How many "wake-up calls" does this team need? At this point, it appears they've OD'd on sleeping pills and the front desk at the hotel is closed. It's up to the players, the leaders, and management to see if they can be revived or not.

It's frustrating because Brent Sutter is not a bad coach, Darryl Sutter is not a bad general manager, and these are not bad players. So how do you explain this team's nosedive into mediocrity, unless they were simply overachieving until now?

I commend Darryl Sutter and Flames management for their ongoing commitment to building the best team possible. He's done almost everything in his power to build a winning franchise, and hasn't gotten the desired results. It must be discouraging to watch the team you thought could compete with the league's best flounder. Cap management issues and failure to address the team's scoring needs aside, he has dragged this organization back to respectability, and it appears that he's done all he can do. I think it might be time for him to move on.

Is a trade really going to fix things, or just act as a band-aid solution? A hasty deal can't be done in order to appease impatient fans. If a trade is going to be made, it has to make sense for the team going forward, beyond the end of this season, and will likely occur at the deadline or the draft. Do we trust the management team's judgement after the way the Jokinen deal turned out? If this losing streak has taught us anything, it's that this team's problems aren't going to fix themselves, that the bounces maybe aren't going to even out over time like people were saying mere days ago, and that even consistent good play can't be counted on to produce results.

We are in a world of hurt here and don't have a glorified history to fall back on. In a small, Canadian market with a hockey-crazed fan base that wants a winning team, what is there to lose? The Flames built on the momentum of one successful season and dragged it on for as long as humanly possible. Clearly, that is no way to build a team that is going to be consistently competitive in the future.

Am I suggesting that the Flames hire a new general manager, scrap everything, and rebuild? No, there are some very good players on this team and others that they could probably do without, but when you're not getting results, changes have to be made, and not just to the coaching staff. Maybe tanking the remainder of the season in hopes for a shot at Taylor Hall or Tyler Seguin isn't such a bad idea after all. Then again, the Flames would probably use their pick to draft some unheard-of centreman with hands of stone because of his "size."

I am envious of Oilers, Senators, and Leafs fans. You know what you're getting, straight up: a shitty team that probably isn't going to make the playoffs. What do we get? A team that parades around like a big tease, looking all shiny and promising and talented, only to prove year after year that it's nothing but a facade. False advertising. And every year we fall for it, buy into the hype, ignore the warning signs, only to have our hearts broken yet again. The Flames are the man-eaters of the NHL.

You'd think we'd know better by now, but alas, our vision is clouded by unconditional love for a franchise with little indication of long-term improvement and/or gratification. Such is the plight of a sports fan, I suppose.

I don't know what the solution to the Flames' problems are. I don't really know anything apart from the fact that, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I love this team and want them to do well. Any decision that somehow facilitates that is alright with me.

Somehow, this post has transitioned from unadulterated anger to quiet acceptance. Funny how that happens.

Chicago on Thursday.

Cheer when they're up, cheer harder when they're down. And boy, are they ever down.

Go Flames Go.

Game day musings--Hoping for a miracle

In case you haven't heard, Sidney Crosby and the defending Stanley Cup champion Penguins are in town (7:30 PM, TSN).

It's kind of a big deal. Sid can't even leave his hotel room for fear of being mauled by hockey-crazed Calgarians. Can you blame us? We're having trouble remembering what a potential fifty-goal scorer looks like.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a huge Crosby fan myself, and shamelessly jumped on the Penguins bandwaggon when the Flames were ousted from the playoffs last spring.

The 'Dome is being swarmed by giggling tweens in Crosby and Malkin baby tees and starry-eyed pee-wee players eager for a glimpse of their favourite playoff performers as we speak.

Outscoring, and subsequently beating, the Pittsburgh Penguins tonight will likely require a miracle. The Pens' forwards are fast, skilled, and waiting to exploit every mistake made by the opposition. A quick glimpse at the Penguins' top-six is enough to make any Flames fan burst into tears; inferiority is an understatement. Every man on the bench, including the coaches, will have to play a virtually error-free game and execute their game plan to a tee if they hope to come out on top.

The defence will have to be perfect, Kiprusoff will have to be exeptional, and the forwards will have to be relentless. While the Flames' recent performance in terms of outshooting and out-chancing the opposition is encouraging, they still have to focus on turning in a sixty-minute effort and sustaining the style of play that makes them successful throughout the game. Any lapse in their compete level against a team like the Penguins will kill them.

As for the lineup, the Flames comfirmed speculation that Jamie Lundmark would indeed be back a day after being sent down to Abbotsford with the news of Craig Conroy's return from injury, after defenceman Staffan Kronwall cleared waivers and was subsequently demoted to the Heat. He will once again get the chance to suit up on the Flames' top line alongside Jokinen and Iginla, who has been held pointless in his past four games despite recent inspired efforts.

It'll be interesting to see if McGrattan draws into the lineup, and will likely depend on whether or not the Penguins dress fellow goon and former Flame Eric Godard. If there is one area where the Flames out-shine the Pens, I dare say Gratts is ever-so-slightly better at hockey than Godard. That, and their powerplay might just be worse than Calgary's, if you can believe it. That being said, the Flames don't want to provide the Penguins with too many opportunities to break out of their man-advantage funk, and will have to avoid the kind of boneheaded penalties that got them in trouble Monday night against Colorado. To make matters worse, the now infamous Stephane Auger will be sharing officiating duties tonight.

The Flames have been a slump-buster of sorts for struggling teams recently, and that trend could very well extend into tonight's contest. I've been pleasantly surprised by this team before in games against great teams; I don't anticipate this being such an occasion.

Nevertheless,

Go Flames Go.

3/6 Canadian coaches and John Tortorella are really f--ing pissed

Brent Sutter joined Pat Quinn and Ron Wilson in a trifecta of angry bench bosses North of the border in his post-game tirade after the Flames' 3-2 loss to the cellar-dwelling Blue Jackets. It wasn't quite on par with a John Tortorella-esque profanity-laced meltdown, but it ranked pretty high on the Brent Sutter Surliness Meter. Watch the video, since I can't be bothered to type it out verbatim:

Everyone wants a consistent, predictable hockey team. We want to know that they are going to come out and play a specific style of game every night, and when they don't, they'll do it the next night. Coming from New Jersey, one of the most consistent franchises of all time, this situation is obviously new to Sutter. Sure, there was an adjustment period when he took over coaching duties and the team learnt his "systems," but they still earned a 46-29-7 record, good for ninety-nine points, in 2007-08. The season after that? Even better; the Devils went 51-27-4 with 106 points in a year where Martin Brodeur missed a good chunk of the season due to injury.

The New Jersey franchise has long been the picture of success and consistency. The players within the organization know what is expected of them night in and night out: to be responsible defensively and still score enough goals to beat the opposition. This is not an uncommon philosophy, and one that the Sutter brothers clearly share. Players that have been in Calgary long enough--Iginla, Conroy, Langkow, Regehr--know that this is what is expected of them. What else can a coach or a general manager do or say to reinforce this? The onus really is on the players.

The fact of the matter is, this team simply isn't talented enough to live up to the lofty expectations placed upon it. They are not built to excel in the regular season, nevermind the playoffs. From the crease to the blueline, sure, but even then I have my doubts, namely about Robyn Regehr's health and Dion Phaneuf's career potential. Up front is where the real problems begin. Anything more than the production we are currently seeing from the forwards is simply overachievement, as we learnt at the beginning of the season. Sure, the defence could chip in a little more, but that's not what they're there for. Your top-six guys are supposed to carry the team, and the bottom six guys are meant to provide supplementary scoring when the big guns can't get it done. As of now, not a single forward on this team is fulfilling their role. The fact that the Flames don't really have much of a distinction between top-six and bottom-six on their roster outside of three, maybe four forwards is where the situation gets even more convoluted.

I am well aware that the Flames aren't the only team in the league with this problem. If they had a real first line that didn't rely on offensive production from AHL call-ups, they might be able to mask the problem a little better. While a trade for a top-six forward still seems like the most viable solution to this team's problems, there is still the matter of said forward finding chemistry with teammates and fitting into the lineup at his desired position. Sometimes, that doesn't happen (ie: Tanguay, Jokinen). The Flames seem to have bad luck in trading for the aforementioned coveted first-liner, and Cammalleri was really the only one that had success in that position, but Darryl screwed that one up royally when he acquired Jokinen at last year's trade deadline.

I don't want to perpetuate any rumours circulating out there on the web, but if there is any truth to the claims that scouts from several teams have been in attendance at some of the Flames' recent games, a deal could be more imminent than anyone in the organization is willing to let on. The Flames' well documented surplus in defencemen fuels speculation that a blueliner could be on the move, in return for some scoring help. Then again, Hockey Buzz has Olli Jokinen on the move to Nashville, which I would truly love to believe.

As for tonight's game, the Flames had some bad puck luck and the stats weren't all that bad (I think), but their effort wasn't near good enough in all zones. Too many turnovers, odd-man rushes, lax defensive coverage, not enough shots on goal, and bad decisions with the puck all added up to a Flames loss; their second in a row and second to a non-playoff team. These are invaluable points, up for grabs against a team that shouldn't be beating the Flames at all, never mind in their own building.

If this was all they could muster against the Blue Jackets, I hate to imagine what the end result of tomorrow's game in Vancouver (8PM, CBC) will be. Playing a rested Canucks team that has gone 11-1-2 in their past fourteen games, boasting the league's hottest line, on the second night of back-to-backs on the road undoubtably equals one massive failure. I'm considering taking bets on the over/under for how many goals the Sedin-Sedin-Burrows line will score in the first period alone. I'm past the point where I hope for miracles against good teams, or hope to be pleasantly surprised by this team's performance. I usually know when to expect a win, and when to expect a loss. The Flames' upcoming schedule will not be kind to them in terms of results, and as hard as I'm trying to accept that, I know I'll still be disappointed when they lose; and that's the worst part of it all.

Being a fan is not an easy job. Trying to put it into words is even harder.

Go Flames Go.

An ode to Todd Bertuzzi

Big Bert, we hardly knew ye...

Twas a fine summer's day a year ago

When the winds of change began to blow

The news broke that you'd been signed

And some fans in Calgary were very unkind

They pouted and stomped and demanded a refund

It's fair to say, you must have felt shunned 

Then Darryl demanded we give you a chance 

So as the season began, we took a second glance

You started off hot, and earned our trust

Until you began to show some rust 

Twenty game goal-less droughts and injuries galore 

Made us want to show you the door 

You scored some big goals and provided some muscle 

But in the end, you just couldn't hustle 

Your -13 was a defensive liability

And again we questioned your credibility 

After a 44-point season, you did alright 

But with our young players, the future looked bright 

As summer wore on, you never got a call

But on a contract with the Red Wings, you would eventually scrawl 

Now we've parted ways, we hope you're not bitter 

And at age 34, we're glad you're no quitter 

Next time you see us, you might hear a boo

But don't take it too hard, it's just the Saddledome brew