An epic clusterfuck

A nine to one loss to the San Jose Sharks. A five-game losing streak. What now?

The motherfucking Blackhawks, that's what.

I don't know how to respond to this; really, it's surreal to me that a team, only four points out of first place in its division, could play so poorly against a team that they are supposed to be competing with for one of the top spots in the Western conference. How a team, mere pennies away from the cap ceiling and stacked to the gills with supposed top-tier talent, can concede nine goals in a game, allowing fourty-six shots on goal, while answering with only one? How any group of NHL-calibre players can finish a single game with a combined rating of -18?

After losing a close one last night in Anaheim, not one single player on this team showed up focused and ready to play. It showed, as the Sharks exploited the Flames' barely-there defence and went all Harlem Globetrotters on their asses within minutes of the opening faceoff. This seems to be an ongoing problem with this team, no matter the coach, no matter the assortment of players. I'm not going to make accusations of character flaws, complacency, lack of commitment to winning, or off-ice distractions. All of those things are certainly possible, but petty nonetheless.

Brent Sutter offered up the same old diatribe as he does after each and every unflattering loss; they're embarrassed, he's speechless, there are "issues" that need to be resolved. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if these "issues" haven't been resolved by the 50-game mark, they're not damn well getting resolved. And that's not Brent's fault; regardless of the "systems" he is preaching, these players know what they have to do, how they have to play, not only to be successful, but to win on a consistent basis. These guys are NHL players. They know what it takes to win, at any level. The problem is, they're not willing to do it nearly often enough.

The Flames have been "embarrassed" far too often for a team contending for a division title and a playoff spot, in my opinion. They blew a five to nothing lead to Blackhawks in October. Lost seven to one on home ice to the very same team in November. Turned in a listless effort at home in a five to one loss to the Canucks just last month. Hell, I found getting shutout one to nothing at home against the Predators embarrassing. This is beyond embarrassment; this is an epic clusterfuck.

How many "wake-up calls" does this team need? At this point, it appears they've OD'd on sleeping pills and the front desk at the hotel is closed. It's up to the players, the leaders, and management to see if they can be revived or not.

It's frustrating because Brent Sutter is not a bad coach, Darryl Sutter is not a bad general manager, and these are not bad players. So how do you explain this team's nosedive into mediocrity, unless they were simply overachieving until now?

I commend Darryl Sutter and Flames management for their ongoing commitment to building the best team possible. He's done almost everything in his power to build a winning franchise, and hasn't gotten the desired results. It must be discouraging to watch the team you thought could compete with the league's best flounder. Cap management issues and failure to address the team's scoring needs aside, he has dragged this organization back to respectability, and it appears that he's done all he can do. I think it might be time for him to move on.

Is a trade really going to fix things, or just act as a band-aid solution? A hasty deal can't be done in order to appease impatient fans. If a trade is going to be made, it has to make sense for the team going forward, beyond the end of this season, and will likely occur at the deadline or the draft. Do we trust the management team's judgement after the way the Jokinen deal turned out? If this losing streak has taught us anything, it's that this team's problems aren't going to fix themselves, that the bounces maybe aren't going to even out over time like people were saying mere days ago, and that even consistent good play can't be counted on to produce results.

We are in a world of hurt here and don't have a glorified history to fall back on. In a small, Canadian market with a hockey-crazed fan base that wants a winning team, what is there to lose? The Flames built on the momentum of one successful season and dragged it on for as long as humanly possible. Clearly, that is no way to build a team that is going to be consistently competitive in the future.

Am I suggesting that the Flames hire a new general manager, scrap everything, and rebuild? No, there are some very good players on this team and others that they could probably do without, but when you're not getting results, changes have to be made, and not just to the coaching staff. Maybe tanking the remainder of the season in hopes for a shot at Taylor Hall or Tyler Seguin isn't such a bad idea after all. Then again, the Flames would probably use their pick to draft some unheard-of centreman with hands of stone because of his "size."

I am envious of Oilers, Senators, and Leafs fans. You know what you're getting, straight up: a shitty team that probably isn't going to make the playoffs. What do we get? A team that parades around like a big tease, looking all shiny and promising and talented, only to prove year after year that it's nothing but a facade. False advertising. And every year we fall for it, buy into the hype, ignore the warning signs, only to have our hearts broken yet again. The Flames are the man-eaters of the NHL.

You'd think we'd know better by now, but alas, our vision is clouded by unconditional love for a franchise with little indication of long-term improvement and/or gratification. Such is the plight of a sports fan, I suppose.

I don't know what the solution to the Flames' problems are. I don't really know anything apart from the fact that, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I love this team and want them to do well. Any decision that somehow facilitates that is alright with me.

Somehow, this post has transitioned from unadulterated anger to quiet acceptance. Funny how that happens.

Chicago on Thursday.

Cheer when they're up, cheer harder when they're down. And boy, are they ever down.

Go Flames Go.

Second rule of pessimism: Things can only get worse

Need I say more?

The Flames lost again. As if the Holiday season wasn't depressing enough already.

Kiprusoff's Toskala-esque gaffe was only part of the problem tonight as the Flames were the victims of a 5-1 spanking at home against the Canucks, a team that they are supposedly "competing" with for top spot in the Northwest division. Despite taking the lead seven minutes into the first period on a nifty tip-in by Jarome Iginla, the Flames failed to incur any further damage, surrendering four unanswered goals in the first period before Kiprusoff was mercifully yanked and Curtis McElhinney was summoned from the bench to stop the bleeding. McElhinney stopped fourteen of the fifteen shots he faced in two periods of play. The Flames' failure to get off to a good start at home and stay out of the penalty box cost them in a game where second place in the division was on the line, against a team playing its second game in as many nights.

Once again, the Flames succumbed to pitiful offensive production and abysmal play in their own zone, and have squandered a healthy nine-point division lead to Mason Raymond and those shifty bastards from the West Coast. Maybe they were all just as incensed as Mikael Samuelsson upon hearing the news that he didn't make the Swedish Olympic team; I can't think of much else that would have brought on such an inspired performance, with the exception of the opportunity to overtake a divisional rival in the standings. Perhaps it all has something to do with this (or nothing at all, I was just looking for an excuse to work this video into my post and avoid going into further detail about a game I didn't watch):

That's Dion Phaneuf drunkenly rocking out to Billy Joel's "Piano Man" at a piano bar, apparently in Vegas, courtesy of TMZ. The guy in the white shirt is totally digging it, and the "Merry fucking Christmas" at the end really adds a nice touch. Stay classy, Dion.

I'm not about to get all ethical and over-analytical on you and claim that a twenty-four-year-old hockey player utilizing his notoriety and having a good time in Vegas is detrimental to the team and at the root of their recent struggles, but it can't be beneficial; especially since this team appears to have the character and mental fortitude of a cardboard box right now.

The Flames stumble into Edmonton tomorrow with about as much dignity as that annihilated-drunk girl at the party who just lost her virginity on the living room couch and then proceeded to vomit profusely. I'm all about the analogies this week.

Pride and a much-needed two points are on the line tomorrow night; the Oilers have lost six straight games while the Flames have lost six of their last seven. It's not as if Flames fans have had to endure an agonizing fall from grace or a seemingly endless parade to IR, but it's enough to get us feeling sorry for ourselves. We're in quite the tough spot here; we don't have a good enough team to expect consistent dominance and too much talent to accept constant losing. It's hard to imagine that things could get much worse for a team that was once again expected to make some noise in the West this season, but as far as the pessimist in me is concerned, they very well could. Every pessimist is really an optimist at heart who tries to suppress her expectations for fear of disappointment. Even though I knew the Flames were down 4-1 when I left the hotel, part of me hoped I would return to news of a 5-4 overtime victory for the good guys.

Second rule of pessimism: Things can only get worse.

I threatened to become an L.A. Kings fan tonight. It might just happen if I stay in California any longer.

Game time is 7PM on Sportsnet West. Get drunk and cry for me.

I've essentially given up on all superstitions at this point, so what the hell:

Go Flames Go.

PS: Misery loves company, so check out my Q&A with Oilers blogger Jay from Low on Oil here.

Swine flu: the NHL's answer to biological warfare

It was confirmed yesterday that Oilers defenceman Ladislav Smid had the H1N1 virus after over half of the Oilers roster experienced varying degrees of the flu. The sports world is not immune to the H1N1 pandemic--in fact the conditions in most dressing rooms and arenas present an optimal breeding ground for the Swine Flu--and so far two other NHL players are currently sitting out with the virus and others claim to have had it as well.

The most worrying part of this news is that Smid did not miss a game while infected, which means he could have easily spread the Swine to other members of his team and (gasp) the opposition. Here's where my conspiracy theory kicks in--the Oilers played their last three games against Northwest division opponents, including the Flames, Canucks, and Avalanche, where Smid wasn't the only player with flu-like symptoms in the Oilers lineup. Could Swine Flu be the NHL's answer to biological warfare?

In all seriousness, this virus kills. The NHL should take it more seriously and encourage players to get vaccinated and stay away from practice/games and off-ice activities with their teammates if they are feeling under the weather. The league is taking the right steps in ensuring that players don't share water bottles or towels and having team trainers properly sanitize dressing rooms and equipment, but the players are also responsible for their own well being and, to a lesser extent, that of their teammates and other players around the league.

Flames forward Dustin Boyd missed practice Monday morning with the flu and has since been held out of further practices and will not be playing tonight as a precaution. I know that realistically, the Oilers could not have told half their roster to stay home and consume copious amounts of chicken noodle soup, but all players experiencing flu-like symptoms should be tested for the H1N1 virus and held out of the lineup until the results are confirmed; the organization should have handled the situation more carefully. Being a slightly obsessive-compulsive hypochondriac myself, I received the H1N1 vaccine today and am not experiencing any adverse effects apart from a sore arm; I encourage everyone else, especially athletes, to do the same.

In other news...

Roberto Luongo is injured and out indefinitely with...(drumroll please)...a hairline fracture in his rib. He is expected to miss about a week. Anticlimactic, isn't it? Whatever makes you feel better about allowing five goals in front of Stevie Y and Team Canada management, Bobby Lu.

I don't have Centre Ice or the NHL Network, so the games I get to choose from tonight (aside from the Flames/Avs game, which I ordered on PPV. It's my first PPV experience and I'm curious as to what all the fuss is about. Will report findings later) are Leafs vs. Stars and Sens vs. Panthers. You spoil me, TSN. Why the hell would I want to watch sub-par, Ontario-based teams play mediocre, Southern-U.S. based teams? You do know there are NHL franchises located outside of Ontario, right? The Coyotes haven't been relocated quite yet.

Adam Pardy draws back into the lineup tonight for the Flames in place of Aaron Johnson. What took so long?

IF the Flames get bodies to the net, shoot the puck, and play with disciplined physicality, they could edge Anderson and the Avs. If they don't, well, I just wasted fourteen dollars of my parent's money and this could be a very long night. We all saw how the Avs created offence off of turnovers and clogged up the neutral zone worse than fat clogs up Kyle Wellwood's arteries last night against the Oilers; Sutter and Co. undoubtably took note of that. The Flames will have to make sure they protect the puck well and not focus on gaining entry into the offensive zone solely by carrying it in; sometimes a good dump-in followed by a solid forecheck works wonders. There's probably a joke there but I can't be bothered to think about it.

May the best team win, but preferably the Flames.

PS: GET VACCINATED. THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT SPYING ON YOU BY IMPLANTING TRACEABLE MICROCHIPS INTO YOUR ARM FAT.

Pre-season preview: Battle of Alberta

"Hey, it's the biggest game of the season--absolutely," Eric Nystrom told the Calgary Herald about tonight's pre-season tilt against the rival Oilers. That may be a bit of a stretch, but for Nystrom, one of the few "veterans" skating in tonight's lineup, it's an opportunity to show the new bench boss what he's made of. The Flames will be icing a prospect-laden lineup when the puck drops in about an hour's time at the 'Dome, while the Oilers will dress a number of regulars in the first official Battle of Alberta of the new season. Here are the rosters and tentative line combinations for each team:

Oilers:

Jacques - Horcoff - Schremp

O'Sullivan - Comrie - Stone

Moreau - Potulny - Minard

Brennan - Paukovich - Stortini

Gilbert - Chorney

Plante - Strudwick

Staios - Arsene

Dubnyk/Delsauriers

Flames:

Dawes- Boyd -Moss

Nystrom- Murray -Prust

Greentree- Lundmark- Chucko

Stuart- Jaffray -Cunning

Pelech- Pardy

Palin- Negrin

Stralman- Kronwall

Keetley/Irving

The Flames' roster for tonight's game is interesting because it sets up the battles we'll likely be seeing throughout the pre-season for the bottom-six forward positions, seventh defenceman, and the one or two spots open in the top-six forward group. Out of the six defencemen in the lineup tonight, Pardy is the only one who has locked up a spot with the big club, while the most likely competitors for the opening at seventh defenceman are Kronwall and Stralman.

Dawes, Boyd, and Moss will all be competing for a chance to play on the top two lines, and players like Prust, Greentree, Jaffray, Lundmark, and even Nystrom will be vying for a spot on the third and fourth lines.

Given that the two goaltending jobs are already taken, the play of Keetley and Irving somewhat loses its significance, but a good showing with the Flames could earn one of them the starting job in Abbotsford. Competition in the Abbotsford crease heated up recently (pardon the pun) with the addition of David Shantz, whom the Flames signed to a minor-league contract.

Notable absences from tonight's game include: top prospect Mikael Backlund, comeback kid Theo Fleury, and summer acquisition Keith Seabrook. All will likely see some playing time, as the Flames still have six pre-season games on the schedule after tonight.

The game will be streaming live at http://flames.nhl.com/

I know it's only pre-season, but what kind of BOA would this be without a little bloodshed? Expect a brawl or two between the likes of Zac Stortini, Brandon Prust, Eric Nystrom, and Oilers prospect Kip Brennan as they look to make impressions on their respective clubs.

Good Luck, boys!

Comrie's much anticipated return to the Oilers: the press conference

It's a real the shame rumours regarding Comrie's return to the Oilers turned out to be false. What an entertaining press conference that would've been! Following in the footsteps of DGB, here's how I imagine it may have gone down: 

Somewhere in Rexall Place...

Tambellini: (tugs on Kevin Lowe's suit jacket) I'm BORED!

Lowe: Just sit still and let me do the talking. Here, play with this puck

(Tambellini snatches the puck and starts rolling it on the table) 

Lowe: (sighs) Today we are pleased to introduce the newest addition to the Edmonton Oilers, Mike Comrie (stunned silence)

Lowe: (hands Comrie Oilers jersey, lowers his voice) Try to keep it in your pants this time, Mike

Comrie: ...(laughs nervously)

Hilary Duff: $#%@?!

(Ales Hemsky's wife winks and mouths "call me" from across the room)

Comrie: (shrugs and pulls on Oilers jersey) 

All three pose for pictures

Tambellini: (nudges Lowe) Thank God for all the free Valium, eh?

Lowe: (nods and takes a sip of water) Steve will now be taking questions from the media--regrettably, I have a prior engagement to attend to 

(pats Tambellini on the back and exits the room) 

(flurry of media activity ensues)

Tambellini:...(points) Look over there, it's Dany Heatley! (ducks under the table)

(silence; everyone looks expectantly at Comrie, now the only one left at the table)

Comrie: So...who wants to hear the REAL reason I left Edmonton? 

(Everyone gets up and shuffles out of the room)

Tambellini: (emerges from under the table) They gone yet? Look who else was hiding down here!

(Craig MacTavish crawls out from behind the tablecloth, blinking. He stands up, looks around, and runs out of the room) 

Tambellini: (brushes off his suit and sinks into the chair next to Comrie) Valium?

Comrie: (shrugs and accepts three white pills from Tambellini's outstretched hand)

Tambellini: So what is the real reason you left Edmonton? 

Comrie: Nailed my teammate's wife. Chris Pronger told me it's best to keep 'em guessing 

THN predicts 5th place finish for Flames

The Hockey News' annual projections for the Eastern and Western conference standings are slowly materializing one day at a time, and today the number 5 spot was revealed. With the Flames occupying this lofty perch amongst the league's best, it seems safe to assume that they will either equal or improve upon their performance from last season, depending on the quality of competition they face from their Western conference rivals. With only four spots left, the projected standings of all but one of the Northwest division teams have been unveiled, and it's looking like another ugly season for the Avalanche, Wild, and Oilers. Stock up on the Prozac now before it's too late. 

The Canucks finishing any higher than 3rd in the conference seems unrealistic with teams like Detroit, Chicago, and San Jose in the mix. It is impossible to accurately project the performances of teams and players due to factors such as injury, scheduling, personnel changes, and let's face it--luck; but if the Flames can stay healthy and their top-end players perform as such with help from an adequate supporting cast, they should be more than capable of contending for the Northwest division crown. 

Because it's a rainy August afternoon

Dear Dany Heatley,

Please stay out of the Northwest Division. If you could avoid the Western conference altogether, that would be great too. I know you're supposedly head-over-heels for some girl out here, but if she feels the same I'm sure she'll make the trip to Ottawa or New York or wherever you end up. 

Yours truly,

Hayley xoxo

The Canucks have reportedly rescinded their interest in Heatley because the asking price was too high. Now, in a bizzare twist of fate, the Minnesota Wild are supposedly preparing to take a stab at landing the star winger. The only Northwest Division teams that haven't been in on the Heatley bidding wars are the Flames and Avs. 

Now onto the daily Tanguay Report: he has apparently narrowed his list down to the Lightning and the Coyotes. Excellent choices, Alex. The decision making process must be taking so long because he is unable to determine which franchise is losing less money.  I can't imagine what is more attractive to a player--bankruptcy or internal squabbling? Looks like Mr. Tanguay likes a little drama with his hockey. 

Reading The Hockey News' Ultimate Fantasy Pool Guide has got me motivated to do much better in my playoff pool this season. The Ultimate Guide to Skaters has projected both Phaneuf and Bouwmeester to enjoy bounce-back seasons with 61 and 51 points respectively.  Interestingly enough, their goalie projections have McBackup earning 7 wins this season; not sure if this will be due to improved defensive play, improved coaching, or more opportunity (unlikely). 

NHL Countdown: 48 days