The Flames' counseling session: What you didn't hear

As you may have read on Calgary Puck, a counsellor was apparently summoned into the Flames' dressing room recently, presumably to mediate between certain players/coaches and get to the bottom of whatever is plaguing this team. Part of me really wants this to be true, only because of the hilarity that would surely arise from a situation involving the Sutters and various Flames players hashing out their innermost feelings with a bunch of shrinks. Adrian Dater would be all over this shit. As with most of the scuttlebutt surrounding the Flames this season, we will probably never know if this is true or not, but why not take the opportunity to elaborate on a potentially humourous event?

This is how I imagine the counseling session went:

Visitor's locker room, Jobing.com Arena, Glendale, Arizona. January 28th, 11:15 AM

Shrink: Hey guys, as you all know, I was brought in today to help you work through some of the problems you've been having as individuals and as a team. There's no sense in keeping it all bottled up inside, as it only causes stress, anger, and resentment; so who wants to start?

Langkow: I will. Dion, you're soooo selfish! It's always all about you, and you have this stupid-looking scowl on your face all the time. Go to hell.

Phaneuf: I don't give a shit, I'm dating Elisha Cuthbert. Fuck you guys. Everyone on this team is so fucking boring. Nobody ever wants to go out or sing karaoke with me. Why can't we be more like the Blackhawks?

Shrink: Mmmhhmm, and how does that make you feel, Daymond? I think we're really getting somewhere here...

Conroy: WELL, I for one---

Shrink: Craig, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt--you just spoke for twenty minutes; please, let someone else talk.

Iginla: (on the verge of tears) I'm...I'm playing on a line with an AHL call-up and a...and a...a...PUMPKIN HEAD! (sobbing). He's so CLUELESS...he hits the post like, every shift and can't pass to save his life! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!? PLEASE HELP ME!

Shrink: (comforts Jarome) There, there...Ssshhhhh. I am familiar with this. And what do you think, Jay?

Bouwmeester: Well, y'know, it's disappointing, but, we just gotta stick with it, produce a little more offensively, y'know...

Shrink: I don't see how that's relevant here...?

Bouwmeester: Sorry, what was the question? I thought we were talking about me not making Team Canada....

Giordano: (sighs) I should've stayed in Russia...

Shrink: Let's move on. What's your take on this, Eric?

Nystrom: Dude, my head still hurts.

Shrink: Ok, ok...interesting. Miikka, what about you?

Kiprusoff: Mhergfhssdshfkm (walks out).

Shrink: I see. Curtis, any thoughts?

McElhinney: Why am I even here?

Backlund/Lundmark: Umm...yeah...can we go back to Abbotsford now?

Shrink: Good point, good point. I'm sensing some tension here. What about you, Rene?

Bourque: I'm playing for a contract here. I'm the only good left-winger on this team.

Iginla: (gasping) I...m..m...miss...Alex...T..T...Tanguay...

Shrink: Right, yes. Can't argue with that. David, what's your opinion?

Moss: Everyone always talks about how I'm supposed to be "big" and "tough" and a "net presence," but I just don't feel like that's what I'm meant to be, y'know? Like, what does that even mean? They're all like: "score twenty goals, David, go to the net David!" I'm just so confused. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

Shrink: (nods) I think we have a real breakthrough here. Brent, do you have any ideas as to why this might be?

B. Sutter: Too casual, I don't like it.

Shrink: Mmmmkay, Darryl?

D. Sutter: I don't care what you think. I ain't making no stinkin' trades.

Shrink: Okay...(looks at watch); Look at the time! I think it's time to wrap this session up, to whom should I send the bill?

D. Sutter: (approaching Dion Phaneuf from behind with a rag doused in chloroform) I'll take care of that.

Shrink: (shakes head and mutters something, leaves the room)

(Silence)

Regehr: So...what d'we do now?

McGrattan: Rent a limo and get wasted?

Glencross: I'll drive.

Panthers@Flames and general musings

It looks as if there is a pattern developing in the Flames' pre-season roster. They seem to be deliberately alternating rookie and veteran lineups, which I suppose makes sense given that it is pre-season, but it makes it hard for prospects to stand out and develop chemistry with their possible teammates.

Last night another AHL calibre lineup lost to the Islanders in Saskatoon, demonstrating the surprisingly efficient powerplay, inability to play within Coach Sutter's system for a full sixty minutes, and mediocre penalty kill that seem to have emerged as pre-season trends. The Flames return to the 'Dome tonight to take on the Florida Panthers, and the team will be looking to continue some of those trends while making an effort to curb others, as we can expect to see a lineup similar to the one that earned a shootout victory Thursday against the Islanders.

After Nigel Dawes' encouraging performance in Thursday's game, he is expected to skate on a line with Olli Jokinen and Jarome Iginla, while Curtis Glencross will take his place on the second line with Langkow and Fleury in his second straight pre-season matchup. Backlund will centre the third line with Brett Sutter and Eric Nystrom, and Carsen Germyn will suit up for his second game in as many nights with Jason Jaffray and Cam Cunning after a two-assist performance last night in Saskatoon.

The defensive pairings appear to look similar to those we saw on Thursday with the exception of Sarich and Aulie, who will sit out in favour of Pardy and Stralman. The goaltending duties will be shared by Irving and Kiprusoff, who will be aiming for a better performance after Thursday's disappointing outing.

I'm pleased to see that somebody shares my sentiments on George Johnson's article "Time for Phaneuf to Stand Up," which appeared in yesterday's Calgary Herald. In the article, Johnson makes the case that Phaneuf failed to stand up for himself after his bone-jarring hit on Kyle Okposo enraged Islanders teammate Pascal Morency.

Anyone who has seen the video of the hit and the aftermath can argue that after Morency leapt over the boards like a man possessed and made a beeline for the Calgary blueliner, his path was unsuccessfully impeded by Mark Giordano/Daymond Langkow and he managed to engage in a brief tussle with Phaneuf along the boards in the Flames' zone. Johnson claims that Phaneuf diffused responsibility for his actions on his teammates, singling out Mark Giordano as the "willing but unfortunate" taker.

Johnson goes on to say that Phaneuf should emulate former Flame Denis Gauthier, whom he says frequently answered the bell for his often borderline hits--a concept D'Arcy McGrath of Calgarypuck fame finds laughable.

I know I am in no position to criticize a writer who is undoubtably more knowledgeable and successful than myself, but one only needs to read McGrath's argument to see that perhaps Johnson didn't do his homework on Dion Phaneuf, a big no-no for an Alberta-based sports writer.

Phil Kessel was officially introduced as a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs today, a deal that has been in the making since the NHL draft back in June. Commence the "balls" jokes. Go on, get it out of your system before the season starts.