Sunday, August 30, 2009

Comrie's much anticipated return to the Oilers: the press conference

It's a real the shame rumours regarding Comrie's return to the Oilers turned out to be false. What an entertaining press conference that would've been! Following in the footsteps of DGB, here's how I imagine it may have gone down: 

Somewhere in Rexall Place...

Tambellini: (tugs on Kevin Lowe's suit jacket) I'm BORED!
LoweJust sit still and let me do the talking. Here, play with this puck
(Tambellini snatches the puck and starts rolling it on the table) 
Lowe: (sighs) Today we are pleased to introduce the newest addition to the Edmonton Oilers, Mike Comrie (stunned silence)
Lowe: (hands Comrie Oilers jersey, lowers his voice) Try to keep it in your pants this time, Mike
Comrie: ...(laughs nervously)
Hilary Duff: $#%@?!
(Ales Hemsky's wife winks and mouths "call me" from across the room)
Comrie: (shrugs and pulls on Oilers jersey) 
All three pose for pictures
Tambellini: (nudges Lowe) Thank God for all the free Valium, eh?
Lowe: (nods and takes a sip of water) Steve will now be taking questions from the media--regrettably, I have a prior engagement to attend to 
(pats Tambellini on the back and exits the room) 
(flurry of media activity ensues)
Tambellini:...(points) Look over there, it's Dany Heatley! (ducks under the table)
(silence; everyone looks expectantly at Comrie, now the only one left at the table)
Comrie: So...who wants to hear the REAL reason I left Edmonton? 
(Everyone gets up and shuffles out of the room)
Tambellini: (emerges from under the table) They gone yet? Look who else was hiding down here!
(Craig MacTavish crawls out from behind the tablecloth, blinking. He stands up, looks around, and runs out of the room) 
Tambellini: (brushes off his suit and sinks into the chair next to Comrie) Valium?
Comrie: (shrugs and accepts three white pills from Tambellini's outstretched hand)
Tambellini: So what is the real reason you left Edmonton? 
Comrie: Nailed my teammate's wife. Chris Pronger told me it's best to keep 'em guessing 

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