Friday, January 29, 2010

The Flames' counseling session: What you didn't hear

As you may have read on Calgary Puck, a counsellor was apparently summoned into the Flames' dressing room recently, presumably to mediate between certain players/coaches and get to the bottom of whatever is plaguing this team. Part of me really wants this to be true, only because of the hilarity that would surely arise from a situation involving the Sutters and various Flames players hashing out their innermost feelings with a bunch of shrinks. Adrian Dater would be all over this shit. As with most of the scuttlebutt surrounding the Flames this season, we will probably never know if this is true or not, but why not take the opportunity to elaborate on a potentially humourous event?

This is how I imagine the counseling session went:

Visitor's locker room, Arena, Glendale, Arizona. January 28th, 11:15 AM

Shrink: Hey guys, as you all know, I was brought in today to help you work through some of the problems you've been having as individuals and as a team. There's no sense in keeping it all bottled up inside, as it only causes stress, anger, and resentment; so who wants to start?

Langkow: I will. Dion, you're soooo selfish! It's always all about you, and you have this stupid-looking scowl on your face all the time. Go to hell.

Phaneuf: I don't give a shit, I'm dating Elisha Cuthbert. Fuck you guys. Everyone on this team is so fucking boring. Nobody ever wants to go out or sing karaoke with me. Why can't we be more like the Blackhawks?

Shrink: Mmmhhmm, and how does that make you feel, Daymond? I think we're really getting somewhere here...

Conroy: WELL, I for one---

Shrink: Craig, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt--you just spoke for twenty minutes; please, let someone else talk.

Iginla: (on the verge of tears) I'm...I'm playing on a line with an AHL call-up and a...and a...a...PUMPKIN HEAD! (sobbing). He's so CLUELESS...he hits the post like, every shift and can't pass to save his life! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!? PLEASE HELP ME!

Shrink: (comforts Jarome) There, there...Ssshhhhh. I am familiar with this. And what do you think, Jay?

Bouwmeester: Well, y'know, it's disappointing, but, we just gotta stick with it, produce a little more offensively, y'know...

Shrink: I don't see how that's relevant here...?

Bouwmeester: Sorry, what was the question? I thought we were talking about me not making Team Canada....

Giordano: (sighs) I should've stayed in Russia...

Shrink: Let's move on. What's your take on this, Eric?

Nystrom: Dude, my head still hurts.

Shrink: Ok, ok...interesting. Miikka, what about you?

Kiprusoff: Mhergfhssdshfkm (walks out).

Shrink: I see. Curtis, any thoughts?

McElhinney: Why am I even here?

Backlund/Lundmark: Umm...yeah...can we go back to Abbotsford now?

Shrink: Good point, good point. I'm sensing some tension here. What about you, Rene?

Bourque: I'm playing for a contract here. I'm the only good left-winger on this team.

Iginla: (gasping) I...m..m...miss...Alex...T..T...Tanguay...

Shrink: Right, yes. Can't argue with that. David, what's your opinion?

Moss: Everyone always talks about how I'm supposed to be "big" and "tough" and a "net presence," but I just don't feel like that's what I'm meant to be, y'know? Like, what does that even mean? They're all like: "score twenty goals, David, go to the net David!" I'm just so confused. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

Shrink: (nods) I think we have a real breakthrough here. Brent, do you have any ideas as to why this might be?

B. Sutter: Too casual, I don't like it.

Shrink: Mmmmkay, Darryl?

D. Sutter: I don't care what you think. I ain't making no stinkin' trades.

Shrink: Okay...(looks at watch); Look at the time! I think it's time to wrap this session up, to whom should I send the bill?

D. Sutter: (approaching Dion Phaneuf from behind with a rag doused in chloroform) I'll take care of that.

Shrink: (shakes head and mutters something, leaves the room)


Regehr: So...what d'we do now?

McGrattan: Rent a limo and get wasted?

Glencross: I'll drive.


  1. Honestly, this is probably my favorite post you've written yet. Mostly because I love imaginary conversations. We should team up for one on trade deadline day.

  2. Thanks! I'm a fan of them as well, although I feel so unoriginal doing them now, since Down Goes Brown's are so hilarious.

    I love the idea of doing a deadline day one! Let's make it happen.

  3. Yeah. Down Goes Brown's are spot on, but ours have Sutter 1 and Sutter 2, Sutter Red and Sutter Blue. Okay, maybe Dr. Seuss doesn't work there.

    Still- we can show Toronto that Western Canada (and Boston) are better! We'll figure out logistics more once we get to the end of the Olympics.

  4. Wow, the forsight in this, Hayley, is amazing.

  5. I like to think of myself as somewhat of a hockey psychic. Or I've just been a Flames fan for too long.

    We are going to have a tonne of material for this post.


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